Conquering Lake Poway.

“There trailhead is just up ahead” “Wait, WHAT?!?!  The hike hasn’t even STARTED?!?” I managed to huff out, exasperated.  While in San Diego visiting the Jets I had agreed to go with the boys on a 3 mile hike that I knew nothing about.  3 miles.  Not uphill, up MOUNTAIN.  Zig-zagging.  Being a hike lover, I was gung-ho, but I’ll be honest and say since my last hike I have sincerely gotten out of shape and quite possibly signed up for something I had no business doing, but, I trekked on.  Atop of Lake Poway, I’m pretty sure I died.

Probably 1/4 of the way up, I encouraged the boys to just hike on, assuring them I would catch up.  Not much later, after I drank all of my water (rookie move) and was struggling to simply keep moving, I found myself giving up.  Mentally tearing myself apart.  I had a mental block put up about my ability to get up this giant mountain, but, really, my ability to conquer it.  To conquer anything, really.  Which surprised me.  I’m always so positive, how could I be the recipient of such negative thoughts from myself?  There I was, stirring dust along the mountainside literally talking myself out of continuing.  Convincing myself I wasn’t strong enough, I couldn’t manage.  I could feel it. Sense all the built up emotion and crap inside me that I always ignore and bury.  And instead of keeping it pushed into the darkness like I tend to do, I did something I rarely do.

I cried.

(Now boys, you shush.). Not in front of them, ofcourse!

I walked and I cried, cried and I walked.  Let all of the junk that was holding me back up.    Faced my feelings and self-doubt, acknowledged the immense change in my life, and let the weight off my shoulders.  Took the pressure off to be perfect and encouraged myself to just be.  Then and there, after shedding the last tear about drinking all my water to my grandmother going through neuro surgery, I continued to hike.  Gave myself permission to go at my own pace, but became determined to reach the top.

I made it to the top of Lake Poway and as I teetered of the edge of Potato Chip rock (up there by sheer peer pressure), I realized that it doesn’t matter how I got to the top, just important that I stop being so hard on myself.  I need to go at my own pace and focus on me, even if five year olds with walking sticks are flying past me. But I can never give up.  Because the view from the top is amazing.

 

 

A few shots from the hike via iphone.  (I’m appreciative to the boys for pushing me to keep going, even when I wanted to smack them and just sit on “hamburger rock” and not move.)